The Beetle and Mr. Bottle, a tale well calculated to keep you in.
Suspense.
If it had all begun so harmlessly, that's the devil of it.
You see, I'm a widower.
My daughter Diana was happily married, and I'd been living alone for the last eight years.
It wasn't exactly an ideal existence, but I wasn't unhappy either.
There was my job with Bxton in Trosbury.
I was a senior bookkeeper now.
And of course, at home there was my garden.
I remember it was a Sunday and Diana had unexpectedly come by for a little visit.
How do you like this one, dear?
Isn't he lovely?
Going to be champion this year.
We might even take best in the show, this hybrid tea and I.
I'm sure you will.
Father, I came over because, well, George and I have been sort of discussing it lately
about your retirement next year.
Oh?
We've been wondering if you've decided what you're going to do with yourself.
Of course, you can always come and live with us, but...
Oh, no, my dear, that's awfully good of you, but I wouldn't think of it.
Two's company, you know.
Besides, it just wouldn't seem natural not having my garden.
But you can't garden all the time, Father.
And without your job to occupy you, well, you might find getting a little bit lonely.
What about a companion, Father, marrying again?
Marrying?
Yes, you probably know a dozen eligible women if you'd let yourself think about it.
Really, Diana, who would want to marry me?
Anybody would and be happy to.
Will you think about it, Father?
No reason on earth why you should...
Well, I really don't know if you want me to.
I suppose it won't hurt to think about it.
That's all.
Thought of preparation for retirement.
Remember Two's company.
Diana was quite right.
But marrying again?
However, I promised Diana I'd at least think about it.
I found myself still thinking as I walked down to my train the next morning.
Morning, Mr. Bottle.
Hmm?
Oh, Constable Wiggins.
You won't be getting to the station down this street, Mr. Bottle.
You're going the wrong way, sir.
Wrong way?
Why so I am?
First time I've seen you turn the wrong way in 15 years.
Everything all right, sir.
Nothing wrong with those lovely flowers of yours, are you?
Oh, no, it's nothing like that.
Oh, there comes your train now, sir.
Better hurry along.
My train?
Yes.
Thank you, Constable.
I rode into London still dutifully thinking and left the station walking my usual route
to the office.
Having done it every day for the last 25 years, the process was quite automatic.
I was just crossing Shaftesbury Avenue when...
Look out!
Look out!
Look out!
Oh, are you all right?
I think so.
Let me help you up.
There we are.
You sure you're all right?
Yes, thank you very much.
I'm most terribly grateful, Miss...
Mrs. Magwitch.
Ethel Magwitch.
Mrs. Magwitch, I...
I rather think you saved my life.
Now, you sure you're all right?
We shouldn't try our wings too soon, shock you know.
Well, my office is just around the corner, you see.
Bxton and Shrewsbury.
Bxton and Shrewsbury?
Why, of course, I should have guessed you'd be with a fine old firm like that.
You're so distinguished-looking, you must be the office manager.
No, nothing like that.
I'm merely a senior bookkeeper.
Senior bookkeeper?
Well, I just knew it was something important.
Your wife must be awfully proud.
Well, no.
That is, I'm a widower.
Now, isn't that a coincidence and myself a widow?
Sort of faithful, like you might say.
Yes, well, thank you again.
If you'll excuse me...
Well, you know you haven't told me your name.
It's Bottle.
Eldon Bottle.
Eldon.
Oh, such a nice name and so the theme.
If there's ever anything I can do for you, Mrs. Magwitch...
Oh, why, that's perfectly sweet, Eldon.
Why don't we just have lunch together?
Lunch?
Well, really, Mrs. Magwitch, I...
I know the nicest little place.
It's such a cosy little place.
Now, you run along to work, Eldon.
I'll be waiting outside 16th St. and Shrewsbury at noon.
Now, tell me all about yourself, Eldon.
You've hardly said a word.
Well, I don't think there's much to tell.
Oh, now you're just being modest.
But I can tell.
There's a certain dash about you, Eldon.
You're just imagining.
Why, that's the first thing I noticed.
Of course, I think you don't want to cry.
You live here in the city?
No, in Watford.
Oh, in Watford.
Oh, I do envy you living out there in the country, away from the dirt and the grime.
It's just a bit of heaven.
I know it.
Yes, I find it quite pleasant.
Oh, it's such a lonely life living alone in the city.
You've no idea, Eldon.
Ever since Mr. Magwitch passed on, it's been lonely, lonely, lonely.
In fact, I wouldn't tell this to just anyone, but there's been times when I thought I'd
do away with myself.
Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry, Mrs. Magwitch.
Yes, but I've hung on.
Something inside kept saying, hang on, Ethel Magwitch.
You're going to meet someone with a certain dash one day, someone who needs you, and you'll
both be happy forever after.
Eldon, do you believe in fate?
Fate?
There are forces in this world, Eldon.
We're all little freys being woven into the mystic tapestry of life.
Don't you see?
Fate's knotted us together, dear Eldon, with mystic hands.
We couldn't escape now if we wanted.
No, Mrs. Magwitch, I don't think that...
I mean, fate...
Well, all that's happened is...
Exactly, I knew you'd see it.
Oh, Eldon, I can't tell you how happy I am.
Please, Mrs. Magwitch, I...
Look at the time. Oh, it's just flown.
Back to work now, dear.
Tomorrow, dear Eldon, I'll be waiting right outside at noon.
I've never been sure which hit me that day, the car or Mrs. Magwitch.
The next noon, she was waiting faithfully outside the office, and we went to lunch again.
I knew perfectly well what she was aiming at, but she was like an express train bearing
a crown on me, and I was powerless to get out of the way.
The days that followed are quite hazy.
I don't even recall proposing, but I must have some way or other, because
suddenly we were married.
Immediately afterward, I had an inkling how life with my new companion was going to be.
Now that you've seen the house, what do you think, my dear?
Small. That's what I think, Eldon.
Not at all what you led me to believe.
Oh, I'm sorry. I've always thought it quite roomy.
Margaret and I... This furniture's hopeless, too.
What's outside those doors?
Oh, they lead to the garden. Come along, I'll show you.
I was saving the best for last.
There you are, my dear.
Oh, Eldon. Yes, I thought you'd be surprised.
There's something about flowers.
My happiest hours have been in this garden.
Biggest waste of property I ever saw.
A waste of time and property, that's what it is.
Mucking about in the dirt for a lot of colored weeds.
You don't like flowers? Not at all?
You might as well know it now, Eldon.
There are going to be some changes around here.
I have some plans.
Plans?
We'll talk about it. We'll discuss it at the proper time.
Now go in and wash your hands.
It's lunchtime.
Marriage, that is a successful marriage, is based on compromise.
So I let Ethel have her chromium furniture.
It was hideous.
It was only the beginning, though.
Our first six months were a whirlwind of changes.
The flowers, musical case, everything.
The only link left to my former home life was the garden.
I retreated there whenever I could.
Then one evening I came home to another surprise.
Oh, Charlie. No, you don't mean it.
Now this is really funny.
Ethel?
Oh, so you're home.
Well, just look who's here, Eldon.
Charlie.
So this is Eldon and I.
Hello, Dad.
Dad? You mean this is your son?
Well, of course he's my son.
What's the matter with you? I told you about Charlie.
Don't you remember?
I'm sorry, my dear, but I'm afraid I don't.
Eldon, I distinctly told you about Charlie.
You tried to embarrass me.
Now calm yourself, Mum.
It's nothing to get in a row about.
I'm here. That's all that matters to Dad.
Isn't it, Dad?
Well, yes, of course.
Of course.
Now how about joining us for a little drink, eh?
We're celebrating dear Charlie's release, Eldon.
Release?
From the Navy, that's what Mum means.
Don't you, Mum?
Navy? Oh, yes, of course that's what I mean.
How about a nip for you, Dad?
Say one.
Oh, thank you. I don't drink.
Don't drink?
That's right, Charlie.
Most ordinary little man you ever saw.
Well, now we're going to talk about Charlie.
We're going to help Charlie, Eldon.
Oh, we are?
In a business way, Dad.
Now that I'm living with you,
Mum thinks I ought to be doing something.
Little business, all nice and legitimate.
Mum told me about a plan.
I think it's lovely.
Plan?
I told you I had plans, Eldon.
First time I saw this place.
I just never you mind. It's for Charlie.
That's right. No sense in troubling you
until we get it all worked out.
It's going to be a regular gold mine, Dad.
Gold mine?
Charlie and I will handle it, Eldon.
Yes, but I'd like to know something about it.
At the proper time, Eldon.
Yes, my dear, but...
Eldon, you're being trying again.
Now, you've run along out to that garden of yours.
You may not have it much longer.
That's right, Dad.
You're going to see some big changes around here.
So enjoy it while you may.
Now, I was a firm believer in compromise,
but it was dawning on me.
I was doing more than my share.
I resolved that whatever their cryptic plan,
it was not going to include my garden.
Since they refused to discuss it in my presence,
I was forced to discover it in my own way.
The opportunity came one evening a few days later
as I was spraying my roses for insects.
I loved them, destructing them beast.
From the corner of my eye,
I could see Ethel and her son
by an open window in deep conversation.
I moved toward the window carefully.
Now, Mom, I don't think it'll be best that way.
The bar should be over there against that wall.
I'm afraid that wall's a bit small for the bar, Charlie.
We don't need a big one, Mom,
with all the tables and chairs we're planning on.
Well, don't forget now,
we're extending this room out over the garden.
No sense in clamping ourselves.
You're right, Mom.
But any way you look at it,
we're going to have the sweetest little tavern
this side of Buckingham Palace.
Couldn't have picked a nicer bit of property.
You know your mother, Charlie,
always married with an art of business.
When do we inform the little gardener?
You know, we might throw a bit of a fuss.
Him? Oh, I'll wrap him around me little finger.
I couldn't believe my ears.
There were only two words to describe my reaction.
Something snapped.
This monstrous express train of a woman
that had crashed into my life
was now aimed at my god.
Any feeling I might have had for her left me completely.
I was going to stop her,
and I was capable of the most drastic means.
Later that evening, when we were alone,
I gave her one last chance.
Ethel, I have something to say to you.
What?
It's about your plan for the house.
I've told you, Eldon, I'll discuss it with you at the proper time.
I already know about your plan
for this nice bit of property, my dear.
Oh, well, you do.
Just what have you got to say?
Don't try it, my dear.
You see, now that's exactly why I didn't want you to know.
You're just not a businessman, Eldon.
You're content to live in your backward little way,
depriving those who love you.
You're the kind that has to be shown, Eldon.
I'll give you one chance, Ethel.
Eldon, you're going to make me angry in a moment.
Either you agree to a divorce immediately,
or I advise you to agree to a divorce.
Do you advise me to what?
Do you or don't you?
Let me tell you something, Eldon Bottle.
I love you.
Try and divorce me,
and I'll break every bone in your body.
Then there is nothing more to say.
By the way, my dear,
I'll be spending tomorrow night in the city.
Why?
It's the annual audit of the books.
I'll be working quite late,
so I usually spend the night in a hotel.
Otherwise, I hardly get home before I have to be at work again.
All right, Eldon. Business is business.
Charlie's off till the end of the week, too.
Oh, he is?
You'll be all alone.
Oh, don't worry.
I'll enjoy myself.
You run along to bed.
As I left the room, I turned to look at her,
seeing her for exactly what she was,
a monstrous female beetle perched on a chromium chair.
It was only a matter of extermination.
I awoke the next morning calm and resolute.
I left the house carrying my small bag of overnight things.
Lying on top was my pair of sharp-pointed garden shears.
It was poetic in a way,
but also just the sort of handy weapon
an unknown housebreaker might grab up and use.
As I neared the station,
I made casually sure that Constable Wiggins noticed me.
Morning, Mr. Vorder.
Good morning, Constable. Lovely morning.
Looks like you're going to spend the night out, Mr. Bottle.
Oh, you mean my bag?
Yes, it's my annual audit, you know.
The one night I spend in London.
Oh, don't tell me it's that time again already.
The time certainly flies.
Yes, doesn't it?
Well, have a good night, sir.
Thank you, Constable. I shall.
The rest of my plan was simplicity itself.
Proceeding to the office in my usual manner,
I would immerse myself in the annual audit.
At any time, I would check into a hotel,
then return to the office and work until 9 p.m.
Returning to the hotel,
I would slip out the service entrance
and go directly to the station.
The train to Watford ran all night,
with reasonable luck, I suppose.
With reasonable luck, I would be back in the hotel by 12.
As I planned, I arrived in Watford at 10.05.
There was a moon,
but I cautiously kept to the side streets
and made my way unseen.
It was all working perfectly.
I slipped into the garden and crept up to the garden door,
took the shears from my inside pocket,
and went to the garden door.
Who's there?
Charlie?
Who's there?
Charlie?
Who's in here?
Eldon! What on earth?
I thought you were staying in London. What's the meaning of this?
You are not a human being, Ethel.
And I'm going to destroy you.
You're going to what?
Put down those clippers this instant, Eldon.
What do you think you're playing at? Jack the Ripper?
They never caught Jack the Ripper. Did you know that, Ethel?
I'll give you just five seconds.
I'm sorry, my dear.
Oh, Eldon, stop it!
Why, you little beast, you tried to kill me.
I'm going to, Ethel.
You little beast!
Drop those clippers!
Drop it!
I'm going to break you in two!
She was like a demon.
My sides were being crushed.
I couldn't breathe.
I lost the initiative. I had to retreat.
I dashed through the garden door.
Who's out here?
She was coming out after me.
You little beast! I know you're out here.
If I don't get you, the police will.
You better pray for the police.
She started from the other end of the garden.
I waited until she got there, then ran for the street.
The only safe place was London.
And I went there.
It was hardly a surprise when I arrived at work the next morning
and saw the police outside the building.
It was useless to run,
but I preferred giving myself up to Constable Wiggins.
I went to a phone and called him.
Oh, yes, Mr. Bottle. Where are you?
I've asked the London police to pick you up.
I've just seen them outside the office.
It won't be necessary.
I'm returning to Watford on the next train.
Don't worry. I'll come right to the station.
In a moment, we continue with the concluding act of...
...suspense.
Higginbotham here.
We will now commence our lesson in stereophonic reproduction.
Listen to the call of the spotted bill snicker on ordinary stereophonic reproduction.
Now, then, on a Columbia Stereo One phonograph.
Obvious difference, what?
The Columbia Stereophonic System really causes all others to blush.
For it is not composed of just a few separated speakers.
Columbia is the originator and exclusive purveyor of stereoprojection.
And it is not a
Columbia is the originator and exclusive purveyor of stereoprojection.
Only Columbia fills every inch of a room with real, lifelike sound.
Now, when I was birdwatching with the Duchess of...
But let that pass.
You simply must hear the Stereo One phonograph by Columbia.
Ask your Columbia phonograph dealer for a demonstration.
And, chaps, portables are priced as low as $39.95.
Also, those commence at $129.95.
Blast that bird.
Sit down, Mr. Bottle.
Oh, this pains me, sir, knowing you as long as I have.
Oh, I'd like to make it easy on you, but the circumstances make it impossible.
Oh, it's very kind, Constable, but I quite understand.
Could we just get on with it?
Oh, yes, sir. Your wife's still quite nervous.
You know Dr. Penrose, don't you, sir?
Hello, Mr. Bottle.
Good morning, doctor. You mean my wife's still here?
Oh, yes, sir. Now, there are two things, Mr. Bottle.
Maybe you'd better explain the medical part, doctor.
Well, Mr. Bottle, I'm sorry to tell you, but your wife has suffered a complete mental collapse.
My wife?
Yes, the medical name is Paranoia.
Specifically, she's suffering from a fixation that you were at home last night
and attacked her with a pair of garden clippers.
I'm afraid it's quite severe.
Oh, no. You mean you think?
I know it's a shock, but there just isn't any other way of saying it, Mr. Bottle.
Oh, she was just wild last night, Mr. Bottle.
If I didn't know you was in London, I'd have half believed her.
She's that sure of it.
It's a good thing it happened here in Watford, where we all know you, sir.
Sage, you came at her saying you were Jack the Ripper.
Oh, she did?
Yes, she's quite convinced of the fantasy. They always are, you know.
Now, I don't like mentioning commitment, but I think you'll understand when you see her.
See her? Do I have to?
I think you should.
This way, Mr. Bottle, we've had to keep her under restraint in one of the cells.
Oh, so you finally caught him, little beast.
You're going to get 50 years for this, Elvin, and my solicitor will sue this police department.
Well, open it, let me go! What are you waiting for?
My dear, I'm so sorry. It just breaks my heart.
Why, you nasty little muck worm.
He came at me. Tell the elders. Tell them!
I think you'd better leave her now, Mr. Bottle.
He came at me. He said he was Jack the Ripper.
Get me out of here! I'll break his head, Ben. I'll break him in two. He's Jack the Ripper!
Sit down here, sir.
The wisest thing now would be commitment, Mr. Bottle.
It would be dangerous if she weren't.
Yes, doctor, I'm afraid you're right.
And if you'll just saw it in these papers, sir, I'll call the sanitarium.
It's fine.
How long will it be before she's released?
I don't think I can predict until another examination.
Now, there is a second problem, Mr. Bottle, but I think you'll understand when you see her.
Quite all right. Please do.
I've found a circular from the Liverpool police.
It seems they want a certain ethylmagwitch for bigamy.
Bigamy?
It seems she buried two other chaps and did them out of their property.
That's what the circular says, sir.
I'm very sorry. I know it's an added shock to you.
Oh, Mr. Bottle, maybe you'd better go home, sir.
Yes, I think I will.
My flowers need watering.
Poor chap. Those are two terrible blues, constable.
Yes, sir.
But it's a funny thing, doctor.
I could have sworn I saw him smile.
Suspense.
You've been listening to The Beetle and Mr. Bottle by Richard Tandley,
included in the cast where John Gibson is Mr. Bottle and Kathleen Corday,
with Mason Adams, Patricia Baxter, Ian Martin and Guy Rep.
Two weeks from today, Room 202, another tale well calculated to keep you in.
Suspense on CBS Radio.