Auto Light and its 96,000 dealers present Suspense.
Tonight, Auto Light brings you the One Millionth Joe, a suspense play produced and edited by
William Spear and starring Mr. Jack Carson.
I'm Al Jusant from A to Z in public relations is how I bill myself.
And there was this stunt which I dreamed up for the Bureau of Better Business Promotion
to pay off the Fourth of July weekend.
But I hadn't counted on the fireworks, which in this case was a big 45 jammed in the middle
of my back.
Yes, in a moment, Mr. Jack Carson and a tale well calculated to keep you in suspense.
Say Wilcox, if the bases are loaded with two men out, who's the boy you'd like to see up
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Yeah, I see.
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Whether you choose the resistor type or the standard type, you can't buy a better spark
plug for your car because you're always right with Auto Light.
And now with the one millionth Joe and the performance of Jack Carson, Auto Light hopes
once again to keep you in suspense.
Yes, I'm Al Jusant, like I said.
I started to tell you about this publicity stunt I dreamed up for the Bureau of Better
Business Promotion.
Well, me and some businessmen with a few reporters, cameramen and such were out at the airport.
Come on, come on, gang.
This will be at gate five.
Come on, growling fellows, boys and girls.
Hey, Tiny, you got that camera hot?
You got your oranges, Mr. Wilder?
Yeah, I still think a three piece band looks poultry sent.
Poultry, schmaltry, Mr. Wilder.
What we care about is newspaper coverage.
Now, now, stand back when they start coming through the gate.
All door, gate five, passengers from the Bobcat Line, flight 16 from Houston.
Well, another plane.
Is this a horse race or is this a horse race?
Boy, oh boy.
I declare I'm all over Goosebumps.
Is that the plane you chartered, Al Jusant, for all his relatives you're ringing in?
Oh, lay off.
This deal's on the level.
Oh, you kids.
He takes his cut coming and going.
Lay off.
Hey, here they come, so stand back.
You count, Wilder, and me and Mr. Allen will nab him.
Now, the last number was 999,990.
A ten to go, okay?
991, 992, 993.
Well, if I have to say so myself, I'm a pretty smooth operator.
At this moment, I had one client, the Bureau of BBP, and the stud I dreamed up for them
was a honey.
This was the setup.
Nab the one millionth Joe through the airport, be he male, female, or what have you, and
give this lucky character a 24-hour whirl in the house.
Pictures, prizes, tickets to this and that.
And all the businesses had chipped in and it was a good fat kitty.
And it worked out to be near the 4th of July, which was a great tie-in.
So now, a herd of passengers was stampeding through gate five from two planes.
The big Chicago plane and the little one from Houston.
And all unbeknownst to them, lightning was about to strike.
Hey, ain't this exciting, fellas, huh?
Well, ain't it?
Hey, it's going to be that good.
That guy in the gray hat's moving up there.
Hey, stand back, will you?
Hey, hey, you, watch it, mister.
Oh, my chin, you stupid ape.
Watch where you're going.
Well, go on, go on, if you're in such a hurry.
Hey, the guy wins.
He knocked the gal out of the running.
One million!
That's him!
One moment, sir, I want to...
What do you want?
Who are you?
Look over here, mister.
Over here, look this way.
What is this anyway?
I'm having a sick...
Oh, please, let go.
You've made a mistake.
Let go.
No, no, look, they can't get pictures when you jump around like that.
I don't want my picture taken.
Let go.
How's this, Crowley?
Mister?
I'm going to tell you something.
Unbeknownst to you, you are the one millionth passenger to walk through these gates.
Let me go, or I'll...
As guest of the Bureau of V.B.P., from now on until the fourth of July, your hotel is
paid for.
Oh, you will visit the Lion Farm, and mister, hold still.
Pick on someone else.
I don't want anything.
You will lunch with a motion picture star, eat at a world-famous restaurant, be the recipient
of many free gifts, gratis.
A mixed sling cape, two dozen sports shirts, 2,000 cans of dog food, a free airplane for
you to pass anywhere in the whole wide world.
What?
Ah-ha, something strikes your fancy.
An airplane pass to, say, Brazil?
Sure, sure, you name it.
Yes, sir.
Even to the romantic land of your dreams, south of the board.
Now, sir, what is your name?
I'm A.D. Thompson.
And where are you from, mister Thompson?
Missouri.
Business man?
Missouri.
Yes, rugs, retired.
Did you and Plane to hear from Chicago or from Houston, mister Thompson?
Houston.
Pick up one of these oranges, mister Thompson, and tuck the crate under your arm.
Oh.
And smile.
Smile.
That's it.
Snap a tiny.
Got it.
On behalf of the Great Valley Citrus Company, it gives me pride and pleasure.
Two percent.
So how was I to know that the trouble was giving me the leer?
He looked sure fire.
Mr. A.D. Thompson, middle-aged, middle-sized, middle-ugly.
Mr. John Q. Public himself.
Well in the meantime, that blonde, the one mister Thompson rammed out of line on the
other side of the gate, she'd been standing by listening.
She was a tall, rangy, good-looking blonde, and well, all of a sudden she moved in on
me.
You're running this powwow buster?
By rights, all those prizes belong to me.
Oh, now, honey, play fair.
Mister Thompson here sideswiped me or I would have come through the gate ahead of him.
Technically, miss, Mr. Thompson came through first.
Look, my shin hurts and I don't like being shoved around.
Win or lose, I can make trouble, buster.
I can sue you cross-eyed and you know it.
Uh, that, that you can.
That, that she can, Mr. Wilder.
By saying that the Bureau gets sued, you'll be...
Well, miss, now, the Bureau wants to be perfectly fair and square with you, only I don't see
how...
Hey, in most contests where there's a tie, they have to give duplicate prizes, Mr. Wilder.
Yeah, thanks a lot.
Hey, yes, that's right.
We'll give duplicate prizes.
Well, that's more like it.
Okay, okay, music, boys.
Ladies and gentlemen of the press, we have a Miss one-in-a-million also.
Tell the boys your name, honey, where you're from and what you think of sunny California.
Well, I'm Vera Valerie.
I've lived all over, just flew in from Chicago.
Been singing in a place out there.
A canary, boy.
Oh, and I think California's just wonderful.
Give us a big smile, Miss Valerie.
Thank you.
There's a girl.
Where's the guy with the grapefruit?
So the doll was declared in, which was okay by me.
In fact, every time she said hello, it was plain old nuclear fishing with me.
But that's not strictly a part of this story.
Well, anyhow, from the airport, I carted Thompson and Vera Valerie to the hotel diplomat where
I live myself on a do-build.
There was considerable yammer about that extra free room gratis for Vera, but finally the
manager coughed up another single.
Now, there were some hours to kill before we could go out to the lion farm, so I took
a cold shower, made a few calls, and then went on my way to the whispering Palmer.
Well, high time, Buster.
I'm three up on you.
Well, I got problems now.
Henry, Henry, bring me a parson's pitfall.
Hey, how they treating you, honey?
What's the number of your room?
Um, four something, 412, 420.
Well, I know it's the fourth floor.
Ah, well, that I'll check.
Yeah, I got headaches with this stunt, but you're worth it, doll.
Oh, I'll bet.
When I barged into the act, you wanted to wring my neck.
No, no, no.
I was only figuring how I could swing the whole show for you without Thompson.
Oh, sweet.
Well, since Wilder's promised double prizes.
Yeah, but I got to deliver on Big Mouth's promises, and the fur joint says one mink
cape, period.
Oh.
Also, France World told me they aren't serving double passes to Brazil this season.
But Thompson doesn't look like the mink coat type to me.
We can give him the...
Oh, but doll, it was a trip that you wanted.
Oh, forget it.
Only, why is Thompson so anxious to get the pass?
I don't know.
Look, Buster, I bought the newspapers.
Did you read this?
Texas police hunt ruthless killer.
Yeah, I noticed the headline.
Read the story.
What?
Sheriff's office, Pikesville, Texas reported discovery of two murdered men, highway 26,
12 miles northeast of town.
Dead men members of gang who held up Arcana Oil Company's offices in Pikesville.
I don't get the drift.
Pikesville's near Houston, isn't it?
Sort of.
Yeah.
Police believe they were double crossed by a third member of gang who shot them, making
off with entire loot from robbery.
Notice how Thompson hung onto that briefcase.
Nearly $100,000 in large denomination bills.
Wow.
The serial numbers and so and so and so and so and so.
No description of killer available.
Interesting.
You've got something.
He wouldn't want to spend any of those bills here, but in Brazil.
Do we tip off the cops?
100 grand.
Huh?
Yeah, no, no, not yet.
Let me handle this, doll.
I'll stall them on that pass to Brazil till we know for sure.
You wouldn't make a deal with them, would you, bastard?
Me?
Well, that wouldn't be ethical.
But we got to have proof, honey.
Now, admit it, we got to have proof.
Which was the truth, but not quite the whole truth.
That I now admit.
You see, the thought of that 100 Gs had set me into a spin, and I wanted time to figure
out how I could cut in on those sweet, crisp deneros.
If I could prove that Thompson was my man.
Well, that afternoon, Thompson kind of played right into my hands.
We were out to the lion farm.
The boys were snapping pictures of Vera cuddling the king of beasts when Thompson, clutching
that briefcase, pulled me off the one side.
No more pictures of me, Zant, and keep the ones they took at the airport out of the papers.
Keep them?
Say, that wouldn't be ethical.
What do you mean?
Well, no paper's going to print two pictures on this stunt, and no offense, Thompson, but
whose puss would you choose if he was a desk man?
Yours or Vera's?
Which held him for the nuts.
And I had one more angle on Mr. T. That he was afraid somebody somewhere would know him
from his picture.
Well, that evening, we were in for Mike Romanoff's and Ciro's and Slapsy Max's.
For such a world, I always dress up like a dog's dinner, so I went up to my room to change.
Come in, Zant.
Close the door.
Well, Thompson, what are you doing here?
Waiting for me?
Hey, you're not going to Romanoff's dressed like...
I'm not going out this evening.
Yeah?
Okay.
There's no skin off me if you buy your own dinner.
How soon do I get that ticket?
Ticket, chum?
To Brazil.
How soon can I leave?
Well, I guess there are flights every day to Mexico, and from there to Brazil...
Get my ticket for tomorrow night.
Well, now, that's one of the prizes that you and Vera got the toss for.
You see, I don't see how...
Get that ticket tomorrow.
Give her the mink cake.
Give her anything, everything.
But I want that airplane pass.
Oh, it's clear you want it, but Vera...
I want it, and I'm going to have it.
Ah?
Would you have a little deal in mind?
Deal?
Or words to that effect?
Maybe or maybe not.
Get the ticket, and we'll talk.
But deal or not, Zant, there's nothing I won't do to get that pass.
Do you understand?
Nothing!
I understand.
Nothing.
Auto Light is bringing you Jack Carson in the One Millionth Joe, tonight's production
in radio's outstanding theater thrills, Suspense.
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And now auto light brings back to our Hollywood sound stage our star, Jack Carson, in the
one millionth Joe.
A tale well calculated to keep you in suspense.
So I showed beer in the town that night, along with some reporters, and without the preculent
Mr. T. As I told Thompson, it was no skin off me if he bought his own dinner.
Anyway I was, I was real glad that beer and I could finish that evening alone.
It was a last night spot scheduled and therefore on the cut.
The place was jumping and the newsboys was having a high old time.
Carson, Carson another round of drinks here.
That's the way to talk, Auntie Boy.
How about champagne?
Yeah, you know what the bureau looks cheap, Auntie Boy.
What about my dance with Miss Valerie?
Well I'm willing and waiting.
Now wait, wait up boys.
While you're still sober and able to listen.
Space, space, space.
I got an announcement to make.
You ought to all be at the airport tomorrow night for Transworld's part in this stunt.
The free pass.
Where to, Algy?
Who's going?
The free pass it is.
But I want you boys to have a little suspense.
Just be at the airport from 10 p.m. on.
One or another of our two winners will be taking off for parts unknown.
But who or where to, you gotta be there to see.
Hey Buster, you didn't tell me yet.
Well come on, let's you and me bunny hunt.
Now drink up you mugs and don't be bashful about asking for more of the same.
But Buster, you haven't told me.
Come on, Pira.
Oh Buster, tell me.
Now come on, darling.
Just snuggle up and dance.
Smooth.
I saw you and Thompson huddling at the Lion Farm.
Yeah, well he was telling me that he's camera shy.
Oh he is, isn't he?
But later in my room Thompson showed his teeth.
Said I should hand over that pass to Brazil or else.
Oh look, we gotta tip off the cops.
Oh sure honey, as soon as we got proof.
Proof?
Yeah.
This bony blows in from Houston clutching a briefcase to his breast nearly blows his
top when you pick him out of the crowd until you mention an airplane pass.
It's not enough.
Not enough.
Look, if I call in the cops and Thompson turns out to be only a gink with a screw loose,
I'm in trouble.
Capital T trouble.
You gotta see my side.
Then what are you doing to get more proof?
Ah, that's for you coming, beauty.
You think you could get Thompson to flash some of that dough if he has it?
Come again?
Well, figure out some way to make him show his money.
See if it comes out of the briefcase and if it's in big denomination bills.
Oh yeah, maybe.
Well, tackle him first thing in the morning.
First thing in the morning, I'll get the ticket.
Then the first chance we get, we compare notes.
And if what I find out adds up.
Then you be packed and ready to leave tomorrow night.
To Brazil?
Maybe I want to go later.
And maybe I want to go to Honolulu.
Maybe.
After the spouting I just did to the reporters, somebody's gotta be in that plane or, bluey,
my stunt.
Which so far as this story goes, wound it up for that night.
A down girl.
Was she ever the deluxe type?
I freely admit, she rocked me.
Yeah, well, come morning I was up with the birds at thereabouts.
I checked and found out that Vera had last sued Mr. Thompson for breakfast.
So far so good.
So I hustled myself down to Transworld and got the ticket.
A long green strip of confetti.
Real and returned.
Then the big day commenced and Thompson came along.
No doubt to keep an eye on me.
So me and Vera weren't able to huddle until some hours later on a sound stage out of colossus
pictures.
When they've got this shot lined up I'll introduce you folks to Vincent.
He's the director.
I'm producing this.
Mr. Thompson, did you say you were in rugs?
Yes, retired.
The rug we use in this set might interest you.
That's a good idea, Arthur.
Give the rug a once over, Mr. T.
This way, Mr. Thompson.
You see in a picture the producer...
Buster, I got him to show me his money.
Yeah?
Out of the briefcase?
Yeah.
He took the briefcase along to breakfast.
How'd you work it?
Well, I ordered everything I could see on the menu.
Yeah, yeah.
When we brought our check it was almost 16 bucks.
Oh, ho, ho.
Well, I fished around and my person said, how perfectly awful.
I've only got a dollar seventy-five to my name.
You will have to pay the check, Mr. T., and let me pay you back.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Well, the waiter was standing off giving us a cold eye.
So Thompson unzips his briefcase a couple of inches and fishes out a five hundred dollar
bill.
Five six?
I could have died.
I stared till I was bug-eyed trying to read the serial number.
Buster, you're gonna be proud of me.
The number was C1240653.
What?
You remembered the whole number?
Yeah.
I got a mind for numbers.
Never forget a phone number or an address.
What are you looking at?
This is the list of serial numbers.
Say that number again, doll.
C1240653.
That's it.
One of the bills from the Pikesville holdup.
But if the hotel got it they may check.
No, they don't have it.
All of a sudden Thompson grabbed the bill back and said we don't have to pay for breakfast.
That's part of the prize.
We're rolling.
Quiet.
Quiet, please.
So Mr. T thinks he can play her up with me, eh?
One hundred grand.
So now will you call the cops?
Not so fast, honey.
You said you'd let me handle this.
Quiet.
We're rolling.
Elsie, shut up before I have you thrown out.
Which is how they sometimes treat us flacks in Hollywood and us the backbone of the industry.
Yeah, well, that's pictures.
But I let it ride this time since it got me out of a tight squeeze with Vera.
You see, this is how I had it figured.
I'd put it up to Thompson what I knew.
Then if he didn't cut me in for a healthy slice of a hundred G's, there was always the
cops from whom there was undoubtedly a big reward.
That way I could play for the big money and still hedge my bet.
But I put it this way to Vera.
I said, look, look, cream girl, you'll be ready to leave.
That's all.
Oh, what time does the plane take off, did you say?
1140.
We ought to leave here by 11.
And what happens to Thompson, Buster?
Well, I'll get everything set for a quiet pinch just after we leave.
It'll louse up the stunt doll if it gets out that the Bureau picked a hood for this world.
I got to protect my client, you understand?
Oh, sure, Buster.
I understand.
So Vera was set up to take Mr. Thompson's place if it was no deal with him.
If it was a deal, then Thompson would fly off to Brazil, leaving me unexpectedly wealthy.
I was sure Vera was a sensible type doll, not adverse to knowing a Joe who was in the
chips.
Well, along about 930, I went knocking at Thompson's door.
Come in.
Well, sir, another day of California sunshine.
Oh, you got it.
You, uh, you said we'd have another talk.
Talk's cheap.
All right, I'll level with you.
I know your name isn't Thompson.
I know why you didn't like being picked for this stunt.
I know what's in that briefcase, and I know why you want to fly the coupe.
Huh?
You spoke yesterday about a deal.
Yeah.
How much?
Fifty.
Fifty dollars?
Don't play footsie with me, Thompson.
Fifty grand.
Fifty thousand dollars.
Fifty thousand dollars?
With hot money like that, I'll have to trade off at a discount.
But you'll be in Brazil getting your money's worth dollar for dollar.
Just take your briefcase, Mr. T, and unzip.
Just what do you think I have in this briefcase?
I don't think.
I know.
Look, I'll tell you who I am and why.
All about it.
Time's a-wasting, Mr. Thompson.
In ten minutes, I'll call the cops.
My name's Kirkwood.
I came on the Chicago plane, not the one from Houston.
Ah, Vera was on the Chicago plane.
She never saw you.
I came to Los Angeles to kill myself, Mr. Zant.
To kill myself in such a way that I could never be identified.
I'm going blind.
I'll be totally blind six months from now.
Oh, come now.
Really.
What are you giving me, Thompson?
Five years.
Five years I went to ice specialists, New York, Philadelphia, Canada, spent every cent
I had trying to find a cure.
Look, I got no time to brandish words with you.
Then I heard of this one doctor, a Viennese refugee, lives in Rio.
He's cured cases like mine, but my money was gone.
Look, I'm gonna fall.
Oh, why don't you believe me?
I have a daughter, Mr. Zant.
All I can leave her is my insurance.
I thought if I disappeared, if it could never be proved, I killed myself.
That's why I didn't want to be recognized.
That's why I grabbed for this wonderful chance this free trip to Brazil.
And the briefcase, Mr. T, what's in the briefcase?
Dynamite.
What?
Dynamite?
I bet it's dynamite.
You're some joker, Thompson.
Were you gonna kill yourself with dynamite?
So I couldn't be identified, yes.
Let me see the dynamite, Mr. T, the crisp green dynamite.
Don't touch that briefcase, Zant.
Buster.
Hey, Buster, I've been turning the place inside out to find you.
Vera, leave us be.
But I just remembered it's daylight saving time here on the coast.
My plane leaves an hour earlier.
Buster, watch out!
When I came to, there was Roman candles going off in my head and Vera was tied to a chair
with a towel stuffed in her mouth.
The airplane think it was going out of my wallet, of course, but I saw by my watch there
was still time.
Ten minutes later, we was in my car, Vera and halfway to the airport.
I took a shortcut up through the hills and kept the gas pedal flat on the floor.
It was a while before Vera said anything.
Buster, this will really blow up your stunt if you have Thompson pinched at the airport.
No two-bit hood's gonna push me around.
Well, let's see if we can figure some way to get me on the plane quiet.
Then after I've left, I'll...
You nailed Thompson.
Forget it.
Forget the stunt, doll.
Now I'm out for blood.
What time does that plane leave?
I forgot.
1140 daylight saving, 1040 standard.
That Thompson.
He claimed he came in on the other plane, not the one from Houston.
No kidding.
I said right off.
You wouldn't know if he was on the same plane as you.
That's right, Buster.
And then when I ask about the briefcase, he says it's dynamite.
After you saw that $500 bill with a serial number.
That's right, Buster.
Thompson didn't know the combination he was up against.
Me and a sharp doll like you.
That's right, Buster.
You spotting that headline right off.
And remembering that serial number 100%, that's...
Yeah, it's funny, though.
What's funny?
Well, that you couldn't remember your room number or the time the plane leaves.
If you got the memory you say you have...
That's right, Buster.
Hey, it's you.
It isn't Thompson.
You're the Texas hoodlum.
This gun's loaded, Buster.
Turn off at the next side road.
You came on the Houston plane.
You played me for a sucker.
I played you for what you are.
Step on it.
Every last lead I got on Thompson, I got from you.
If I ever trust another doll...
You won't live to worry about it, Buster.
Turn.
Turn right here.
Well, I'm kind of ticklish, so with Vera's gun nudging my ribs, I turn.
It's an old car, pre-war.
It sounded like it was splitting at the seams.
She jabbed my ribs again and I pushed the gas down and gave her everything she'd taken
and...
End of the road doll, it's the cops.
I don't see any cops.
But you see, I got the gun doll.
You see that, don't you?
Old Josephine here.
She has a lovely habit.
You give her too much gas, she resents it.
She backfires.
Bang, bang, bang.
Which is tough on a doll's nerves if she's as jumpy as you are.
Buster, look.
You couldn't make a deal, could you?
Say, 50 grand?
Say, that wouldn't be ethical.
Which was the truth, but not quite the whole truth.
It was worth kissing 50 grand goodbye to turn Vera in after she conned me the way I did
because one thing I can't stand, being taken over the hurdles by a doll.
So that wound up the stunt.
Thompson?
Oh, he took off, okay.
And the doctor in Rio handled his case.
His eyes are 100% now without cheaters.
Me?
Well, this Fourth of July, I have nothing on the docket.
But have I dreamed up one whale of a stunt for Thanksgiving?
Now, see what you think.
The moviegoer who arrives at Grauman's Chinese exactly at midnight gets a free mandarin's
uniform, all the chopped soy he can eat.
Suspense presented by Auto Light.
Tonight's star, Mr. Jack Carson.
Say Wilcox, have you made the Auto Light team?
Well, you might say I'm a pitcher, Hap.
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Remember, you're always right with Auto Light.
Next Thursday for Suspense, our stars will be Kathy and Elliot Lewis.
The play is called Love, Honor, and Murder.
It is, as we say, a tale well calculated to keep you in suspense.
Tonight's Suspense play was produced and edited by William Spear and directed by Norman McDonald.
Music for Suspense is composed by Rene Garagank and Lucian Morrowek and conducted by Lud Bluskin.
The One Millionth Joe is an original play written for radio by Sylvia Richards.
Jack Carson may currently be seen in the Columbia picture, The Good Humor Man.
Don't forget, next Thursday, same time, Auto Light will present Suspense, starring Kathy
and Elliot Lewis.
You can buy world famous Auto Light resistor or standard spark plugs, Auto Light staple
batteries, Auto Light electrical parts at your neighborhood Auto Light dealers.
Switch to Auto Light.
Good night.
The American economic system has brought greater material benefits to more people than any
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Because we have been able to produce more per man and per machine, we have been able
to live better and enjoy our individual freedom.
Learn more about your part in the American way of life.
Write to Suspense, Box 10, Times Square Station, New York City, for the free booklet, The Miracle
of America.
This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.