Suspense!
Auto Light and its 96,000 dealers present Mr. Ray Milan in Pearls are a Nuisance, a
suspense play produced and edited by William Spear.
Mr. Wilcox, what are the batteries for today's game? Why, my beauteous Bobby Sox
neighbor, the batteries in today's driving game are the Auto Light Stay
Full batteries. The batteries that need water only three times a year in normal
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Full battery has three times as much liquid reserve above the plates as
batteries without Stay Full features. That's why it needs water only three
times a year in normal car use. Mr. Wilcox, let's get back to... To the batteries. For
today's car, it's Auto Light Stay Full batteries. The batteries that need water
only three times a year in normal car use. And remember friends, you're always
right with Auto Light. And now with Pearls are a Nuisance and the performance of
Ray Milan, Auto Light hopes once again to keep you in suspense. It's quite true I
wasn't doing anything that morning except looking at a blank sheet of paper in my
typewriter and thinking about writing a letter. It's also quite true that I don't
have a great deal to do any morning, but I like not doing anything. It gives me
something to do. And I don't like telephone calls that interfere with it.
That's why I have two telephones. One the public phone that I can ignore, the other
a private phone. Which I'd better answer if I know what's good for me and I do.
What did you say darling? I said good morning dear. How are you darling busy? Yes and no.
Mostly no. Why? Somebody has stolen Mrs. Penroddocks pearls and I want you to find them.
Stolen pearls? Well possibly you think you have the police department on the
line. This is the residence of Walter Gage. Walter Gage speaking. If you aren't
here in less than a half an hour you'll receive a small parcel by registered
mail containing a diamond engagement ring. I'll tell Mr. Gage when he comes in.
I went naturally. I even hurried. Ellen's voice has that effect on me. I think it's
the way she says... Walter darling. Yes Ellen. Mrs. Penroddocks pearl necklace has
been stolen. So you said on the telephone my blood pressure remains normal. It's a
string of 49 matched pink pearls that Mr. Penroddocks gave his wife on their
golden wedding anniversary. Only 49 pearls for 50 years of marriage. I wonder
which was the bad year. Oh shut up darling. Yes dear. The worst part of it is the
pearls are false. False? Evidently they were all bad years. Don't be silly Walter.
I have a very simple solution for you. Call the police. Be quiet darling. Yes dear.
The pearls were real enough when Mr. Penroddocks gave them to her. The fact is
she sold them through an old friend of hers in the jewelry business and he had
copies made for her. Those copies have been stolen. She tells the police Mr.
Penroddocks sure to find out she sold the real one. So you've got to get them back
Walter. What does it matter if they were false? Well she's terrified that the thief
will blackmail her when he finds out they're only imitations. Mr. Penroddocks
might hear of it. The cat's out of the bag. I begin to see what might be
described as daylight. Good. But where do I start looking for these baubles? I know
who stole them. The chauffeur we had here a few months Walter. A horrid big bruiser
named Henry Eichelberger. He left suddenly the day before yesterday for no
reason at all and without a word. I'm sure he stole the pearls. How big did you
say he is? About six feet. In that case? Three. Three. Six feet three. Three. Oh I'm
sure he didn't take them. Couldn't have. He tried to kiss me once Walter. Oh he
did? Tried to kiss you eh? Well where is this big slab of meat darling? Here's the
address he gave when he first came here to work. Sounds like an unpleasant
neighborhood. Not half as unpleasant as it'll be for Eichelberger when I arrive.
Tried to kiss you did he? The pearls are the important thing darling and be
careful. He's six feet three remember? I find it difficult to forget.
Eichelberger's address proved to be a seedy looking hotel upstairs over a
Chinese lawn bay. At the head of the stairs was a door marked manager. I rang
the bell. Full up bud roll. I am not inquiring for a room. I am looking for
one Henry Eichelberger who I'm informed lives here. Down the hall Jack 218. Have
the kindness to show me the way. Oh well what do you know? A duke no less. Okay
your lordship pick up your feet eh? This is it.
He's out eh? Have the goodness to unlock the door. I wish to go in and wait for
Eichelberger. Two bucks and I won't even tell Eichelberger when he comes in eh?
That is the deal. Here's your money. If you hear any noises later on ignore them.
Sure sure eh? I searched all the likely places where you might have hidden the
necklace. Then I searched all the unlikely places. No necklace. Then I heard someone
at the door. How'd you get in here sonny? The explanation of that can wait. I'm
looking for one Eichelberger. Are you he? Get you a real comedian. Well I loosen my
belt before you make me laugh. My name is Gage Walter Gage. Are you Eichelberger?
Give me a knuckle and I'll tell you. I am the fiance of Miss Ellen McIntosh. I am
informed that you're trying to kiss her. What do you mean try? I hit him rather
severely in the left eye. Then the right. Then I give him a crushing uppercut to
the jaw. He looked at me with an air of patient resignation. Oh well. And then he
hit me. I bent over and took hold of the room with both hands and spun it. When I
had it nicely spinning I gave it a full swing and hit myself on the back of the
head with the floor. I believe I lost consciousness at about this point. At
any rate I was no longer aware of the time of day.
Auto Light is bringing you Mr. Ray Milan in Raymond Chandler's satirical
detective story, Pearls are a Nuisance. Tonight's presentation in radio's
outstanding theater of thrills, suspense.
Let's see now. A pinch hitter is a substitute. Ah but there's no substitute
for that famous Auto Light stay full battery. The battery that needs water
only three times a year in normal car use. Mr. Wilcox we weren't discussing
those batteries. Why Dora they're the batteries for today's game. I mean car.
This power-packed Auto Light stay full battery has a fiberglass retaining mat
protecting every positive plate to hold the power producing material in place
and lengthen battery life. Why recent tests conducted according to SAE
lifecycle standards prove that the Auto Light stay full battery gives 70%
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up. Nobody but nobody would give up an Auto Light stay full battery. The battery
that needs water only three times a year in normal car use. That marvel of
engineering know-how has three times as much liquid reserve above the plates as
batteries without stay full features. That's why the Auto Light stay full
battery needs water only three times a year in normal car use. So friends see
your Auto Light battery dealer and have him install an Auto Light stay full
battery in your car. And remember you're always right with Auto Light. And now
Auto Light brings back to our Hollywood soundstage Ray Milan as water gauge
with Hal March as J. Henry Eichelberger in Pearls are a nuisance. A muscular drama
replete with situations well calculated to keep you in suspense. While I was
thinking about the possibility of getting back to my feet in the very near
future a wet towel began to slap at my face and I opened my eyes. Oh boy. The
face of one Henry Eichelberger was very close to mine. I thought maybe it was
Kilchak. You got a stomach as weak as Chinese tea. Oh what happened? As if I
didn't know. You tripped on itty-bitty tear in the carpet. Feel like getting up
your head. Thank you Henry. May I call you Henry? No tax on it. You look okay now.
Why don't you tell me you were sick. Eichelberger you swine. That does it. Oh
cut it out will you. You must my hair. I wish you'd fall down when I hit you
Henry. Just once. It would work wonders for my morale. You and me could get along
Jack. Look I never kissed you girl. Even if I ain't saying I wouldn't like to. Is
that all that's eating on you? No there is another matter. Well sit down and tell
me the score. Only no more haymakers. Now give me a headache. Promise? I promise.
Tell me why did you leave the employee of Mrs. Penradic? Well you tell me. Am I
what you might call a good-looker? Well Henry. Don't sulk me. No I wouldn't call you
handsome exactly but unquestionably you ate your spinach as a child if that's a
consolation. Get you a real comedian. Why do I loosen my belt? Look suppose you fell
for a doll with stars in her hair. A guy like me that looks like a taxi going
down a street with both doors open. And suppose you get a job where you see this
doll all the time and every day. And no it's no dice. What would you do Jack? Me I
just quit the job. Ellen? Yeah. Henry I'd like to shake your hand. Go ahead. Now
there's one more thing. I am empowered to arrange for the return of Mrs. Penradic's
pearls which you have no doubt stolen. Oh you got nerve Jack. You think I stole
some marbles and I'm sitting around here waiting for a flock of dicks to swore me.
The police have not been told Henry and you may not be aware that the pearls are
false. False? You mean a false? Exactly. And you think I would bother myself the
hooks and phonies? You didn't mean to steal the necklace Henry? No. Now look if
they was ringers I wouldn't be bothered and if they was real I wouldn't be holed
up in no cheap flap in LA waiting for a couple of carloads of bulls to put the
sneeze on me would I? That is exactly what I thought Henry. Well as long as you
didn't steal them how would you like the job of helping me recover them? You're
kidding? No Henry it's obvious that if you didn't snatch those marbles I believe
that's the expression. Someone else did and you can help me find them. Now how
about it? Well why not? Why not indeed? You got any ideas where to start? Yes I have.
I feel that we must as they say tap the grapevine. When a string of pearls is
stolen all the underworld must be seething. Well maybe you got right but
this underworld it's doing all the seed and ain't gonna seed much over a string
of glass beads or am I punchy? I am thinking Henry that the underworld
probably has a sense of humor and a thief who went to the trouble of stealing
some worthless trinkets would be the butt of considerable cost humor. Yeah
there's a nucleus of an idea in that all right. I would say something like that
could get around a pool rooms or start a little wholesome chuckling all right? Yes.
Now all we need to do is to locate a reliable crook. Yeah see as a gay
named Lou Scandese that runs a blue lagoon downtown might be interested in
some marbles but he don't like being asked questions. He sounds dangerous.
We'll turn him inside out and take a look at his liver. Very well let us go and
beard this Scandese character in his malodorous den. Yeah leave us do what you
said. Mr. Scandese's blue lagoon was not difficult to find it was a rather
soiled establishment bathed in an unpleasant blue light. Henry and I went
through a small dim dining room to a door marked private. Wasn't it awful we
didn't even knock. You Scandese? Who wants to know? Me and my friend here wants to
talk to you. So talk I'm listening. It's about some pearls 49. Is that right Walter?
Quite right. I don't think I heard about him. Try and remember maybe if I pulled
off one of your ears it might help. Oh well now Henry you seem to be doing all
the work do you think that's quite fair? Okay Walter you wake him over. These fat
guys brew something lovely. Look take it easy I ain't heard nothing.
You guys insurance man. Give him my card Walter. This is my personal card it has
my phone number on it. Okay thanks. You may be surprised you may get a call. What
do you think Walter? You think this muzzler is leveling with us? I dare say he
wouldn't be above telling us an untruth. I'll get you a real comedian while I
loosen my belt. You give us a straight good Scandese. Straight goods absolute.
We'll cooperate. I'll bet you get a call. Okay so long Scandese and keep your
schnauzle clean if you don't want to be looking for it under your desk. Yes
remember that. Well what now? I think you've done an adequate day's work Henry
and the procedure would seem to be for me to go home and wait for the telephone
to ring bearing glad tidings from the underworld. What about me? I would suggest
that you wend your way homeward also. Here's my private number. Call me in the
morning after you do your sitting up exercises. I'll get you a real comedian.
I went home and waited for the phone to ring. I must have fallen asleep after a
while it was quite dark out when the call came through. Well here goes.
Walter Gage speaking. Walter Gage Acme Insurance Company. Oh it's you Ellen.
Why didn't you call in the private phone? I didn't have the number handy. You
haven't found the pearls yet. How did you know? We just got a phone call. From whom?
He wouldn't say. All he said was he heard from somebody named... Scandese? Yes that's it.
That we were looking for the pearls. Has he found out the pearls are false? No and
I didn't tell him. All right now don't worry we have an idea how to get them
back. We? Who's we? Henry and me. Henry? Henry who? Michael Berger. I've hired him to help me
find the pearls. Are you out of your mind? Didn't Henry take the pearls? Of course not.
He only left because he was in love with you. Oh Walter that big brute how could
you say such a thing? But Ellen I thought you'd be flattered. Flattered? I never want
to speak to you again Walter Gage. Goodbye. Ellen! Ouch! Women I sometimes
wonder. Oh honey I'm so glad you called back. Now listen darling. Who are you calling
honey sweetheart? Who is this? Am I? Your name Gage? Yeah. A guy named Scandese he says you're
looking for some oyster fruit. A frail named McIntosh says you're the guy to
talk to. Possibly. Well I got 49 of them. Pink ones. Five grand the price. Why that is
entirely absurd. Those pearls happen to be false. Quit your kidding you heard me.
Five G's. I'll give you until tomorrow afternoon to scrape it together then I'll
call you let you know where to meet me.
Hello? Ellen this is Walter. I told you I never want to speak to you again. All
right I won't speak to you. Just tell me the name of the man who sold Mrs. Penroddick's
pearls for her. Gallimore. Roger Gallimore. He has a jewelry company
downtown. Thank you. Walter darling. How do you like it darling?
I went to see Mr. Gallimore. He was a tall pink man of about 70 and he listened
to my narrative of events with considerable interest. Five thousand
seems like a great deal of money for a string of false pearls. Yes indeed. That
Mr. Gallimore is why I came to see you. I believe I can hazard a guess as to the
reason for such an exorbitant demand and I further believe that you were in a
position to confirm my impression. And what might that impression be Mr. Gage?
I believe that the pearls are in fact real. You were a very old friend of Mrs.
Penroddick perhaps even a childhood sweetheart. When she gave you the pearls
to sell you did not sell them Mr. Gallimore. Instead you gave her $20,000
of your own money and returned the pearls to her pretending that they were
imitations of the original necklace. Son you think a lot smarter than you talk.
Then I am correct. Embarrassingly so Mr. Gage. The pearls are real. Now what would you
like me to do? Entrust me with $5,000 with which to retrieve them. Son it is so
long since I heard anyone talk the way Jane Austen writes that it is making a
sucker out of me. Thank you sir. I know that my language is a bit stilted.
And so Henry Mr. Gallimore gave me this check. You mean he gave it to you?
5,000 fish just like that? You have said it. Kid you got something with that
daisy chain chatter of yours. Thank you Henry. At any rate all that now remains
is for the phone to ring. Aha. You're gonna say that again. Aha. Hello. Gage. Yes who
is this? Yes you got the money? It's in my pocket at this exact moment. If I have
any assurance of honorable treatment I am prepared to go through with it. Okay.
Tonight at 8 sharp you'll be in Cathedral Park. You got that? Yes. At the end of the dirt road.
Be there at 8 sharp. Come alone. No guns, no funny business, no smart work, no slip
up and nobody hurt. That's the way we do business. Very well. Oh one last thing.
Where did you get my phone number? From Scandisi? Who else? 8 o'clock then and no
tricks. That is very interesting. What? The telephone. Yeah yeah. Hooray for
Alexander Graham Watson's name. What did that guy say? Hmm? Oh oh yes yes it's all
arranged. I am to meet them tonight all by myself and give them the money. All by
yourself huh? Got you a real comedian. Why do I why do I loosen my belt all by?
They'll take the dough and leave you laying there bleeding all over yourself
and they'll still have the marbles. I ought to go with you. Henry it is my duty
and I must brave these monsters and human guys alone and unattended. Of course
I I do have a big car and you could hide on the floor under a rug. It's a cinch.
But maybe. Walter the only thing wrong with you as far as I can see you got
holes in your head. All I'm trying to do is keep you from getting another one. I'm
going with you.
So it was settled. Henry was to go with me. That afternoon I stopped at the bank.
Where I cashed Mr. Gallimore's check and changed it into a hundred dollar bill.
Forty six hundred forty seven forty eight. You counted as though it were your own. Five
thousand. Five thousand. Now a roll of quarters please. A roll of quarters
please. There's an echo in here. Leave them in the wrapper. Quite heavy aren't
they? Yes aren't they?
And so late that evening I found myself in Cathedral Park with Henry Eichelberg
a boy in the back of the car. I was very nervous. I think Henry was also. Neither
of us were any too sure what was going to happen that night. Oh my back. What's the
matter Henry? Aren't you comfy back there? I'm comfy all right only my heater
keeps digging into me. Are we there yet? We're getting close now stay down this is
business.
This is the end of the line Henry. Be careful they're probably watching me. Okay.
What's that? Me Walter. My gun is breaking my back. Well stop sitting on it. I did.
Anything stirring? No keep quiet. I'll make like a little mousy.
Don't you think we've waited long enough Henry? Well we only been waiting 15
minutes. You sure this is the place? Yes. Let's get out of the car and see if
anybody shoots at us. Then we'll know somebody's around. That seems to me the
difficult way of finding out but let's try it as I personally feel sure that
there is no one here but you and I. Suckered. You know what happened Walter?
What do you think Henry? It was just a tryout to see if you'd show. Suckered. I
ought to go back and twist that scant easy so he spends the rest of his life
looking up his left pants leg. Well Henry what is the next move? Beat it on
home I guess. Anyhow I won't need this gun anymore my back is sore enough from
it.
We stood there and looked at one another Henry and I. He doubled his hands into
fists and shook them slowly in his sadness. I too was melancholy. In the
brief time I'd known Henry I had grown very fond of him. Yeah that's it all
right. Nothing else to do but beating on home Walter. That's all is left to us. I
took my right hand out of my pocket. I have large hands. In my right hand nestled
a roll of quarters I'd gotten from the bank that morning. My hand had made a
large and heavy fist around him. Henry didn't notice. What are you looking at me
so funny for Walter? I just wanted to say good night Henry. You had two strikes
on me and this is the big one. I don't get it Walter. He got it then. My fist with
nearly a pound of metal in it caught him squarely on the jaw. For a moment he
wavered back and forth on his feet then.
Henry Eichelberger lay motionless on the ground as limp as a rubber glove.
I found the pearls twined around his ankle inside his left sock. Well Henry I
said although he couldn't hear me you are a gentleman even if you are a thief.
You could have taken the money a dozen times today. You could have taken it a
little while ago when you still had the gun but even then that repelled you. You
threw the gun away and we were man-to-man but still you hesitated. In
fact Henry I said for a successful thief you hesitated just a little too long but
as a sporting man I can only think more highly of you. Goodbye Henry and good
luck I said. I put a hundred dollar bill in his chubby little fist and withdrew.
End of story. But how did you know it was Henry darling? You told me so little
lemon cookie you were quite sure of it. Well I know but you must have had proof
of some kind. There was one other minor little detail that convinced me Henry
was the guilty party. I gave Scandese my phone number but I have two telephones.
One is a private line. Only two people had that number. You were one of them
Henry was the other. When Henry's accomplice got in touch with me he used
the phone number I'd given Henry not the one I gave Scandese you see. Oh darling
you're so clever. Oh of course you may kiss me if you like.
Months after Ellen and I were married we received a letter postmarked Honolulu.
It was from Henry. My dear Walter, due to the bulls finally putting the squeeze on me I
have only just received the joyous tidings that you and Ellen are embarked
upon a happy tide of holy matrimony. I am so glad for you. I often think of you
Walter particularly with an overwhelming curiosity as to what it was you struck
me with that night. Oh well I dare say it can only be conjecture in my part now. A
hammer perhaps. At any rate I entertain no feelings of ill will toward you. On the
contrary I am indebted to you greatly. The ease with which you talk Mr.
Gallimore to $5,000 has changed my life. I have been taking English lessons
myself and I'm now practicing on a wealthy widow woman not without
financial success. Ah too surely sport. Defaultily Henry. P.S. was it perchance an
animal? I wonder. You know Henry wasn't such a bad fellow. All I really disliked
him for was his barbaric English. Now he's changed there. Maybe I should have
married him. What do you think Walter? Yet you a real comedian. Little I listen to my belt.
Suspense presented by Auto Light. Tonight's star Ray Milan. Mr. Wilcox what's
your batting average? Very high Dora. 400 as a matter of fact. You see I'm batting
in Auto Light's big league of more than 400 fine products made by Auto Light for
cars, trucks, planes and boats in 28 plants coast to coast. These include
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So friends don't accept electrical parts supposed to be as good. Ask for and
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station, car dealer, garage or repair shop. Remember you're always right with Auto Light.
Next Thursday for Suspense our star will be Agnes Moorhead. The play is called The
Chain and it is as we say a tale well calculated to keep you in suspense.
Tonight's Suspense play was produced and edited by William Spear and directed by
Norman MacDonald. Music for Suspense is composed by Lucian Morawek and
conducted by Lud Bluskin. Pearls are a Nuisance is an original story by Raymond
Chandler adapted for radio by Ronald McDougall. Ray Milan appears by
arrangement with Paramount Pictures whose current release is Captain Carrie USA
starring Alan Ladd and Wanda Hendricks. Auto Light wishes to thank the readers
of Radio Mirror magazine who have voted Suspense the best mystery program for
the second consecutive year. In the coming weeks you will hear such stars as
Claire Trevor, Donald O'Connor and Charles Boyer. Don't forget next Thursday
same time Auto Light will present Suspense starring Agnes Moorhead.
You can buy Auto Light staple batteries, Auto Light resistor or regular spark
plugs, Auto Light electrical parts at your neighborhood Auto Light dealers.
Switch to Auto Light. Good night. This is CBS the Columbia broadcasting system.