Suspense!
Auto Light and its 96,000 dealers present radio's famous couple, Ozzie and Harriet
Nelson in Mr. Diogenes, a suspense play produced and edited by William Spear.
Well, here's a letter from Hap still on vacation. Let me read this. Dear Harlow,
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auto light resistor spark plugs in your car. Remember you're always right with
auto light. And now with Mr. Diogenes and the performance of Ozzie and Harriet
Nelson, auto light hopes once again to keep you in suspense.
It was last summer. David and Ricky were at camp and Harriet and I were spending a
few weeks at our old apartment in New York. The excitement began with six cents.
A nickel and a penny. I didn't find out about the nickel until later. That was all
over but that's the way things go sometimes.
Caesar didn't know about Brutus, Custer didn't know about Sitting Bull and I
didn't know about the nickel. The conversation must have gone something
like this. Hello. This is Hector. You crazy fool I told you not to call me. But no one could be
listening in on your switchboard my dear. As you realize we are on the very brink
before proceeding further. I must have your assurance there have been no
changes. I told you that. Nelson is still the one. Right. But gee I'm getting worried.
Oh come yourself my dear. So he talks afterwards so they start asking him questions. You have my
assurance he won't talk. Yeah but just. No one ever got a straight story out of a dead man. What? Dead?
Dear me I thought you understood that. No no I didn't. Listen Hector I don't want any part of this.
Unfortunately my dear you already have a part of it. Nelson is down the street in a
tobacco shop at this very moment. We'll be good friends inside of ten minutes.
Goodbye.
Ah you lose the bet Eddie you haven't gained a pound. Take a look at the card.
Ahs are you sure you had both feet on the scale? You mean you're questioning my word the word of
an Eagle Scout emeritus? Eagle Scout. Troop 3 Ridgefield Park New Jersey. Scouts on her see.
Both feet on the scale. Now as I recall the bet was two bits against a can of pipe tobacco.
I'll take gold nugget. No dice. All out of gold nugget ever since they started that crazy radio
program of theirs. Let's see how about some of this. What's the matter? See that's a funny one.
Look I'll refund your penny. No no no no no the card here. Look at my fortune. Today will be the
most memorable day of your life. So what so as memorable. Today's our anniversary you know. Yeah.
Oh it's just a coincidence. Sure. Did you ever see a card like this before Eddie? Ahs every time a
guy gets weighed I don't run right quick and peek over his shoulder. No but the wording is so peculiar.
The most memorable day of your life. That's a pretty broad statement for a scale company to make.
Tell you what if it turns out a bust come back tomorrow and we'll dope out a nasty letter to the
scale people. Okay Eddie thanks for the tobacco. Forget it so long. So long.
Most memorable day of your life. Kind of strange at that. Most memorable day. Oh I'm sorry. My fault
entirely in a hurry didn't require going. Forgive me please. My fault entirely. Should have looked
like I was going. Sorry. Hey hey wait a minute. You dropped your wallet. Hey mister. Hey just a
minute will you. Oh. Here you dropped your wallet. Wallet. Oh yes I know. Lucky I caught up with you.
I'm quite aware I dropped my wallet young man. Thank you so much. You mean you make a hobby of
dropping wallets. You hit the nail on the head sir. This is a red letter day on my calendar. The most
memorable day of my life. Oh well it was. What did you say. The most memorable day of my life mister.
Nelson. Ozzie Nelson. Mister Nelson. Allow me to introduce myself sir. My name is Diogenes.
Diogenes. Hector Diogenes. I seek the honest man. Oh well that's very interesting mister Diogenes.
The wallet you see is full of stage money. I have dropped it at the feet of a hundred oh nay a
thousand candidates just as I did a moment ago. Allow me to congratulate you mister Nelson. You
are the first to pick it up and return it to me unhesitatingly. Oh tell me do you plan to be home
tonight. Well as a matter of fact no it's our anniversary and mrs. Nelson and I plan to celebrate.
Oh dear. Too bad too bad. You'll simply have to change your plans. There's no other way. I beg your
pardon. I admit sir my methods may seem a bit eccentric but this I permit myself with five
millions of dollars a man may allow himself the luxury of eccentricity. My goal my target has
never changed from the first to discover the honest man then to indoctrinate him with the wisdom of my
ancient namesake Diogenes the cynic. That hurdle passed my fortune my resources everything are at
his disposal. But now wait a minute just a minute let me get the thing straight. Very simple. Here
in this leather covered book are the discourses of Diogenes the wisdom of the greatest thinker
the world has ever known in 20 short pages. Now you will take this with you mr Nelson and commit
it to memory tonight. Tomorrow morning at nine o'clock here at this very place we shall meet
and I will hear you recite. Now time is of the essence sir. Spend it well spend it gloriously
tonight at the feet of Diogenes the cynic. Your fortune your future nay the world itself
are within your grasp. And now good day sir. Well wait now no just a minute. And godspeed.
Harriet. Harriet. In here dear. Oh hi. Home a little early aren't you? Yeah I guess so. How's the new
hairdryer work? Oh wonderfully see. All dry. Well for once I gave you something useful for Christmas.
You certainly did. Oh gosh I'm so excited about tonight. Oh that's nice. Dinner a show maybe
dancing afterwards. Shouldn't I be excited? Uh Harriet that brings up a very touchy problem.
Oh. A strange thing happened to me today. Sort of weird you might say in fact I don't know what to
make of it. Well you've heard about that already. About what? The tickets. Tickets? Oh I thought
that's what you meant. Everybody in the building here got a free pair of tickets to South Pacific
tonight. You're kidding. No sir. They were stuck under all the front doors. No note or explanation
just a pair of tickets in a plain white envelope. South Pacific? Holy they're worth a small fortune
you know. How come? Nobody knows. Well I know but a thing like that just doesn't happen there must be
a reason. You say everybody got them? Well not quite. 12 apartments, 11 envelopes, three guesses
who missed out. Us? Uh-huh. But I took it gracefully. I told everybody we were still going to celebrate
our anniversary even if we had to buy tickets to something. Gosh Harriet does something about today
strike you as kind of different? Well sure it's our anniversary. That makes it different. No no I mean
something strange. You might even say memorable. Memorable? What I mean is if somebody happened to
predict that today would be a very memorable day all this would sort of bear them out wouldn't it?
Ozzy has Madame Zazab been reading your palm again? Well not Madame Zazab but a scale.
On my way to work this morning I got on the scale at Eddie's. Oh I'll get it there.
Oh hello Mrs. Pearson. Mrs. Nelson I hope you don't mind the intrusion. Hello Mr. Nelson. Hello Mrs.
I guess you heard Lemmy Woods. Oh my husband Captain Pearson. Ship got in last night and his usual
limbs completely done in but completely. I couldn't get Captain out tonight with a team of wild horses
so I want you to have these. Oh what's this? The tickets. To South Pacific? Yes I heard you folks
missed out and it seems such a shame being your anniversary and all. Oh that's very sweet of you
Mrs. Pearson but I should think your husband would love to come. Not the Captain. No sir home he is
and home he stays so take him and have a good time. No skin off our noses. We're going to stay home
tonight and watch the television. The fights are on and Lem's never seen our new set you know. Oh and
speaking of television there was something I did want to mention Mrs. Nelson. I hope you won't take
offense. Why of course not. What is it? It's that thing over there on the table. The hair dryer? Uh
huh. It's strange but every time you turn it on we get buzzing on our television. I was hoping
while Captain's home you could use it day times instead of night times. Why of course not. I
wish you'd told me before. Oh I don't mind for myself but now with Lem home. Oh I'll remember Mrs.
Pearson and thanks for the tickets. Oh sure it's nothing at all. That's what neighbors are for you
know. Have a good time now and happy anniversary. Oh thank you and good night Mrs. Pearson. Good night.
Oh boy that was a seven day blow. I know but she is sweet. Isn't it wonderful dear now we can go
after all. Uh Harriet before we go any further I'm gonna have to add one more thing. I'm gonna
have to ask your full cooperation. That sounds like a speech. It is a short one. To state it as
boldly as possible I don't know whether we ought to go out and celebrate or stay home and study Greek.
Harriet I say it again slower. I said we have one of two alternatives to go out to South Pacific
or stay home and study Greek. Now that I hear I realize it calls for a short explanation.
See while I was at the school.
Do you mind the radio dear? No
but what is Caesar to a cynic but Zeus who hath deputed him and whom he serves. I'm glad you asked
that. Oh please. It's seven thirty dear I just thought you might like to know. Uh-huh get this
right on the subject. I'm listening. A woman came upon Diogenes sitting before his hut during the
revels of Bacchus. Foolish man she said. Why do you turn your back on this festival? Why rest idly
here while others go to play at the theater? A very good question. What did Diogenes say? And the man
answered simply woman I am Diogenes the cynic. Ah he was cheating he didn't answer the question at
all. Well what do we do? I think it's a practical joke. No not necessarily nothing unusual about a
loony millionaire you know. I read about a woman who left six million dollars to a cat. It's a
gamble. If we go out tonight and he shows up tomorrow we lose a fortune. On the other hand if
I stay home with Diogenes I'll. Uh-huh. I'll lose it anyway I couldn't memorize this thing for ten
million dollars. Where's your coat? I'm in it. Here's your hat. You're always ahead of me.
Here it is the show you've been waiting for the gold nugget gold rush.
Get the radio will you dear. Yes folks here it is the show that just loves to give
money away no refrigerators no mink coats no. We can grab a taxi down by the drug store.
Did you lock the back door? Yep. Say maybe we better go down the stairs it's quicker. All right.
Hey look the elevator's coming up. Well that's funny I thought everybody was out to the show
tonight. Well maybe it's the Pearsons. No they're on the first floor right next to the lobby.
Well look who's here for heaven's sakes. Good evening Mr. Nelson. Uh uh Harriet this is Mr.
Diogenes the man I was telling you about. Oh how do you do. And may I present my assistant Mr.
Mordecai Moran. Oh how do you do. We decided to go out after all Mr. Diogenes. I sort of skimmed
through the book and and well frankly I could never get it down pat by tomorrow morning. Ozzy
always was slow to memorize. Yeah. I have to write things down. That's right. But Mr. Nelson I thought
I made that amply clear. You simply have to change your plans. Well I'm afraid it's too late for
that. See my wife has been very anxious to see the show. You know it's. He's stumped. He's stumped
boss. He don't get it. Does this help any pal. Mordecai for the moment you may put away the gun.
Is this part of the joke Ozzy. Well I hope so. On the contrary Mr. Nelson this is most assuredly not
a joke. I must warn you not to cry out or create a disturbance. If you are so rash as to do so
Mordecai knows he is free to use his gun with impunity. Yeah impunity. Now get in there now.
Auto Light is bringing you Ozzy and Harriet Nelson in Mr. Diogenes.
Tonight's production and radio's outstanding theater of thrills suspense.
Now let's see what else Hap has to say in his letter. Yesterday I visited the Grand Canyon. What
a wide gap. Ah good old Hap. All he can think of is the extra wide gap of auto light resistor spark
plugs that give you smoother engine performance on leaner gas mixtures. Actually save you gas.
Sometimes I think of you back there telling folks about auto light resistor spark plugs.
He's on the beam all right because only auto light resistor spark plugs can give you greater gas
savings, smoother performance and double spark plug life. And don't forget those auto light bull's
eye sealed beam headlights. Don't worry I won't because auto light bull's eye sealed beam headlights
are the new safe headlights guaranteed to give light even when the lens is cracked or broken.
Harlow you remember everything. So friends see your auto light dealer tomorrow and get a set of
wide gap auto light resistor spark plugs for your car. Then wherever you travel whatever you drive
you're always right with auto light. And now auto light brings back to our Hollywood sound stage
our stars Ozzy and Harriet Nelson with Joseph Kearns in Mr. Diogenes. A tale well calculated
to keep you in suspense. It took a little while to get rid of the notion that Mr. Diogenes was
pulling a practical joke. He just walked out of a comic strip somewhere but he wasn't kidding.
His little pig eyes had greed in them now. There's something cruel about his floppy fat jowls and his
thick lips. He's like one of those blown up animals in Macy's Christmas parade. In Mordecai
he looked like he'd crawled out from under the reptile house at the Bronx Zoo.
The minute the door closed both of them headed for the radio. It's a nice radio you have here.
Very nice. Where would the switch be Mr. Nelson? Oh yes here. Now listen to me before you settle
down for the evening whatever you want we don't have. Can you understand that? It's some other
Nelson. New York is crawling with Nelsons. There are more Nelsons in New York than there are in
Sweden. Furthermore we aren't rich. Mordecai. That's enough Mordecai. Everything in its place
Mr. Nelson and in its proper time. Now here it is everybody the gold nugget gold rush.
Are you all right Ozzy? Yeah quiet please.
This now stands as the biggest prize ever offered on any giveaway program anywhere.
Tonight after 16 weeks nobody has yet identified poor Mr. Hakaway the man who smokes the wrong
kind of pipe tobacco and our gold nugget gold rush bonanza jackpot stands at the all-time high of
$58,000 in cash.
Ozzy what is this? I don't know but I think I'm catching on. Tonight as usual our phone call will
go out to one of the thousands of discriminating men who long ago discovered the rich bite-free
meloness of gold nugget pipe tobacco and tonight as usual our pony express rider is waiting at his
post with $58,000 in greenbacks in his saddlebags ready to go if our contestant correctly guesses
the identity of that unenlightened misguided long-suffering fella who smokes the wrong kind
of pipe tobacco poor Mr. Hakaway. Now while we're getting Mr. Hakaway out of his wheelchair and up
to the mic stand by your phone. Turn that down Mordecai. Yeah boss. Yeah. I couldn't help
hearing you say you were catching on Mr. Nelson. Ozzy they're calling you tonight. Ask Mr. Diogenes.
Exactly, exactly. Perhaps you didn't realize Mr. Nelson how lucky you were. Well how did you find
out about it? Oh boy shall I? No, no, no Mordecai. I don't think we need concern ourselves with the
possibility either of these charming people would behave indiscreetly after it's over.
I became acquainted a short time ago with the telephone operator on this program Mr. Nelson
and she informed me in return for a share of the proceeds that you were selected early this week.
It then became a simple problem of insuring against intrusion by the other denizens of the
building here. That's where the tickets came from. Precisely and ensuring also that you would be at
home at the time the call was made. Hence my little gambit with the wallet this morning.
Now attend me carefully. The call will come through in a moment. I shall take it a word
and outcry from either of you and Mordecai shoots. Is that quite clear? Yeah but you know
you'll never get away with it. Enough, enough already. Yes sir.
Here's the big moment now folks. The phone call is going through and while we're waiting for the
connection here once again is poor Mr. Hakaway. He scratches a match, he lights his pipe, he inhales
and of course because it's the wrong kind of pipe tobacco
that's all there is to it. The rest is up to the lucky man who's getting tonight's call.
Who is Mr. Hakaway? All right, steady now. Don't take your eyes off the Mordecai.
Hello. This is the Gold Nugget Gold Rush Radio program sir. For security reasons we are identifying
you only as Mr. O.N. Would you give me your name please? Oswald G. Nelson. Fine, fine. You sir are
our lucky contestant tonight. Is your radio tuned to our program sir? Indeed it is. Good, good.
Then you know about poor Mr. Hakaway. Have you any idea who he is? I think so. Remember you only have
one guess. If correct our Gold Nugget Pony Express Watter will arrive at your home with
fifty eight thousand dollars in cash within the hour. I don't need to point out that's a load of
hey. So don't hurry, think carefully. Think Mr. O.N. Take your time and think.
Now who is poor Mr. Hakaway? Harpo Marx. Harpo Marx, Harpo you're absolutely correct. Harpo Marx it is.
Congratulations Mr. O.N. You've just won yourself fifty eight thousand dollars in cash.
Our messenger is on his way home. Goodbye Mr. O.N. and congratulations. Yes, goodbye sir.
All right what happens now? Mrs. Nelson and I shall remain here to receive the messenger.
You will retire to the rear with Mordecai. All right quickly now take him in back.
Well he shoved me in the bedroom closet and locked the door and I heard his steps fade off a little
probably to the bed across the room. The string hit me on the nose and I heard a sound.
I heard his steps fade off a little probably to the bed across the room. The string hit me on the nose and I remembered the light in the closet.
It was 8 15. The messenger would be here in a half hour maybe less. After that, I didn't want to think about after that so I tried to fix my mind on something else.
That's when my eye lit on something lying next to a hat box in Harriet's side of the closet.
It was a new hairdryer. For some reason or other this made me think of Captain and Mrs. Pearson.
Doggone this thing. Limb dear it's as simple as A B C. Look. I don't know what happened Mary. All of a sudden
a picture listed heavied apart and she began to spit at me. There's nothing to it. It's beyond me how you can drive a steamer Captain.
Yet throw up your hands when it comes to a television. See this knob here. This is for sound and this is for your picture.
Oh dear. You see that's what happened before. I don't understand it. Let me. Oh I know it's Mrs. Nelson.
Is it. But it can't be. Can it. No I gave her our tickets. They're out. What are you talking about Mary. Her electric dryer does that.
Maybe she changed her mind and stayed at home. I'll run right after. Forget it. No use raising a hobble over a little thing like that.
How do you turn it off. Well here let me. The fights don't come on for an hour anyway. She'll likely have her hair dry by then.
Funny they didn't go to the show. Maybe. If I'd known that. Maybe. What's the matter Lem. Wait wait don't turn it off. Let me listen.
Ah there's the messenger. Now remember Mrs. Nelson not a sign. Not a move. Go ahead.
Yes. Oswald G Nelson. Yes that's right. Happy prize money to you. Happy prize money to you. Happy prize money Mr. Oswald G Nelson.
From the gold nugget people to you. Here's your package sir. Congratulations. Thank you. Who are those gentlemen with you. These bums. Oh these fellows are from the armored car people.
Mr. Nelson for security reasons your name won't be released to the press until tomorrow afternoon. We suggest you go to the police station.
Afternoon. We suggest you tell no one about this until the money is deposited. That's very sensible very. Thank you my good man. Thank you. Good night. Good night sir.
Mordecai. Mordecai. We've got it. We've got it.
Ozzie hold my hand will you. Sure. Shut up. Mordecai you bring the car around as quickly as possible understand. Yes sir.
I don't want to seem nosy but where are we going. Mordecai and I are going to Cuba. What about us. Where are you going. Oh yes indeed. Well that's a good question.
But perhaps a little beyond us don't you think. More a question for a metaphysician or a philosopher I should say. Yes. Now if you'll step out into the lobby we'll.
Who's that. I don't know. Stand right there. Don't move. Let's I blow you to Davy Jones with this hair. See going 45. Ozzie it's Captain Pearson.
Ozzie. Oh dear he's passed out.
My stars Mrs Nelson you certainly lived a lifetime in the last hour. That clever husband of yours making a moss cold S.O.S. with that hair dryer.
I get the shakes when I think how close we come to turning the television off. Me too. What's that man with Ozzie. I don't know. He come up just as lemon the officer took off in the patrol car.
Oh would you excuse me for a minute. Mrs Pearson. Why Joel go ahead. What are they doing. I guess I figured it wrong then. I get two dollars and twenty five cents but if you say a dollar seventy nine well I guess you ought to know.
Good. Shall I let you have it now. I just happen to have some spare change in my pocket. Yeah I guess I'll be all right. OK. There's a dollar fifty seventy five four.
I make seventy nine right. Right. And here's your package all square. Oh square. Thanks a lot Mr Nelson. Good night. Good night. Ozzie you gave me the fifty eight thousand. Well sure everything settled now it's all square. Who was it.
The income tax man. Oh no. Come on silly let's find a taxi. We've still got time to make the second act.
Suspense presented by auto light tonight stars Ozzie and Harriet Nelson with Joseph Kearns playing Mr Diogenes. Ozzie I've been hearing you and Harriet on your H.J. Hines program the adventures of Ozzie and Harriet.
Oh thanks. And we've been listening to suspense regularly. They want to quit while you're even Harlow. No no I want to tell you about auto light resistor spark plugs. Look out Ozzie the man's trying to sell you something. Oh no Harriet auto light resistor spark plugs sell themselves. Really. Oh and what do they need you for Harlow old boy. Yes you're talking yourself out of a job. Maybe I should have quit while I was even. Oh come on Harlow. Now we want you to keep on working. What else is there to tell about your auto light resistor spark plug. Well just this Ozzie they're one of more than
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Car dealer garage or repair shop. Remember you're always right with auto light.
Next Thursday for suspense Rosalind Russell will be our star. The play is called consideration and it is as we say a tale well calculated to keep you in.
Suspense tonight suspense play was produced and edited by William Spear and directed by Norman MacDonald music for suspense is composed by Lucian Morrowek and conducted by Lud Bluskin. Mr Diogenes is an original play for radio by Harold Swanton. In the coming weeks you will hear such stars as Kirk Douglas Marlena Dietrich and Richard Widmark. Don't forget next Thursday same time auto light will present suspense starring Rosalind Russell.
You can buy auto light resistor or regular spark plugs auto light staple batteries auto light electrical parts at your neighborhood auto light dealers switch to auto light. Good night.
From Maine to California and in far off overseas outposts the USO flag is flying once again. Those of us back home can now be sure that the USO is taking good care of our sons and brothers and loved ones on active duty with America's armed forces.
This is CBS the Columbia Broadcasting System.